Why I am stepping back from Expert Witness work (for now, maybe longer, who knows).
A Raw Dump - A note to myself (and anybody else wishing to read it).
I am writing this on the eve of a sentencing hearing for a double murder investigation where I provided expert evidence in Vehicle Systems Forensics. The jury returned verdicts a few weeks ago. That case immediately followed another high profile case that I also provided expert evidence on in the field of Vehicle Systems Forensics and I was involved in a lengthy criminal trial in supporting the case.
It was probably at the point that I switched from the former trial to the next that I realised for sure I needed to take a break although the signs had been there whilst working on the former case and I had detected them. The telling point for me personally was I was referring to the double murder case as though it was normal when I was speaking to family and colleagues who were wanting to know my working arrangements (lengthy criminal trials take up a lot of your time – a point I will cover in more detail further along this read). A double murder is far from normal.
This was my red flag. Some of you reading this will say it is as you work in that environment – but trust me it isn't. The majority of the worlds population do not see what you see and your finding ways to cope.
This was the sign for me that I was becoming completely desensitised to these types of the cases (again - as I had done so in the past). Two people here had lost their lives and I know only too well the real ramifications of this as a former Police family liaison officer and somebody who has investigated many deaths. The far and wide reaching effects of these crimes affect so many people including those that investigate them, however the investigators generally find coping mechanisms and never really process what they are involved in.
I had done so in the past whilst working for the police and in that role I had become totally desensitised to traumatic cases. (The subsequent unravelling continues). The thing here though was due to my past experiences of consuming too much death in my day to day work and finding ways to cope where I became an expert in hiding my true feelings and burying them and not allowing myself time to process what I had been dealing with for the past 12 years back then (I have another blog on this that I wrote about at the time of coming out of that environment feel free to read it here after this) I knew exactly where I was and if I didn't but the brakes on my work now I would be heading to a place I really do not want to go back to.
I have been investigating deaths for over 20 years in some capacity and when multi trauma comes along in quick succession it affects those dealing with the cases especially over time where the tap keeps dripping but you have no respite to break free from it and let it keep dripping.
There are plenty examples of this in the emergency services but non more so to me than my business partner who has complex PTSD as a result of being exposed to these incidents over our time at West Yorkshire Police and continues the daily battles of the effects.
Whilst we are now one step away from the coal face there is still the fact you are the one charged with the tag of 'expert' and that in itself brings its own pressure which is another thing I have recognised as being an issue here. Expert witnesses are only as good as their last case and when you are dealing with high profile cases and serious cases where people have lost their lives you are put under the highest scrutiny and rightly so; whether it's a defendant that is going to prison for the rest of their life or a family needing answers to why their loved one is no longer with them you cannot afford to make mistakes which makes the work mentally tiring too and any expert who cares will know only too well the overthinking and perfectionist traits they hold which can slowly consume you and add to the dripping tap.
These traits can run into other areas of life and personally that is an issue I do have that even some of the basic life tasks and decisions can become analysis paralysis for me.
It is difficult to say no to work when you run your own business and here is another problem in that you cannot really manage your own workload to some degree. The two cases I mention above came back to back so from May to September I was engaged even if not at court the cases were at the front of my mind. When I accepted the instructions, I had no idea they would collide due to court rescheduling etc. These two cases also came following other cases I had been at court for – some were non fatal but they are still part of the drips.
Giving evidence in these sort of trials means you cannot really do anything else (if you want to give it your all and the best version of you as an expert) – you are on standby to give evidence but you do not know when. It can be like sat in the dentist waiting room all day not knowing if you are going to get called and then by early afternoon you are released and the pressure is off and your mind is free for a few hours at least until it all starts again the next day. You are usure if your evidence may be agreed but you cannot afford to let your mind go to sleep on the evidence you have prepared – it is like preparing for an exam that may happen or may not but you have to work to worst case scenarios and prepare meticulously. As a result other things in life have to take a back seat.
I am an avid exerciser, but I really didn't have the capacity to do it – another sign of cumulative fatigue which I mention in the other blog and when I now take a step out and look back I have been running a business and building a brand for 9 years now and have worked on a lot of high profile cases. All the warning signs are there for me to take a break which I am doing.
The car is another hidden pitfall here when working in vehicle systems forensics – some people die in them or because of them in road collisions and others are used in serious crimes so you end up with cases in both areas which magnifies the traumatic and serious cases you end up dealing with – this is a warning for those dedicated vehicle systems forensics examiners – be mindful of your own caseload. As I say this is not easy when running a business but health is wealth and I am mentally exhausted.
In the last two weeks I have had requests for reports where I am having to serve those we are already half way involved but new requests have had to be turned down and this is difficult for some people to accept as the cases continue to go through the criminal justice system and again I can recognise the signs of ploughing on from my last experience of this by saying well if I don't who will – unfortunately and rather selfishly I have to say that is not my problem as I am going to have to put myself first for the foreseeable future.
I say the foreseeable future as there are no time limits to breaks in this space and have put expectancies on myself in the past that I should be able to pick up again by x weeks. Etc. (I have learnt the human body doesn't work to the working week).
So what now?
Firstly we still will acquire data from vehicles for people - I want to make that clear we are not stopping that service we offer - it is the reporting or expert witness work we are breaking from - I want to teach people how to become confident to do their own via our module 4 courses.
But also we have many other avenues in the business which need attention and have suffered as a consequence of case work. We have recently partnered with Rusolut to resell the VDR product. I want to get out and show the capabilities of this product to those wishing to expand their capabilities and talk to people in a less intense environment than court buildings.
We have a training platform that I want to work on in the Vehicle Network and I have a lot of experience to feed back into that platform so others can learn from my experiences and I want to do some more research and put content out in the field of vehicle systems forensics and serious collision investigation where the pressure is not as great and it is in a more relaxed environment for others to learn from.
So to my fellow experts reading this whatever the field try and be aware of your own mental health and workloads. The hardest thing with mental health in my opinion is recognising it in yourself before you break. You keep pushing and pushing and you do not really know you are poorly. If you push too far the body just takes over and you break and the results are not good. Thankfully my previous experiences have allowed me to recognise where I am at along with a business partner who protected me last time I was in this spot and has seen it again.
If writing this post helps just one person to take a look at where they are at and step back then I am grateful.
In an attempt to stop being perfect in non critical aspects of my life this blog has been written and not properly checked for grammar / spelling and it has been just a mental raw dump on a Sunday afternoon so go easy on any criticism ;)